I think that my reasons for enduring to the end evolve and change, depending upon the circumstances. I don’t really remember talking much about enduring to the end as a kid, or even a teenager. It wasn’t until my mission when we taught about enduring to the end that I really remember thinking about it. Even then it was a step to get back to live with Heavenly Father, something you did after you exercised your faith, were baptized, and repented. The next step on that checklist is enduring to the end in obedience. D&C 14:7 states: “If you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.” I remember thinking, “Who wouldn’t want that gift, that is huge!” Having it as part of a list felt like you could check it off fleetingly, or honestly NEVER be able to check it off.
As I grew older, I have had more experiences that have helped me understand how vital enduring to the end is, and my reasons have recently grown even more. I have lost beloved family members and friends, and it never gets easier. I can honestly say that the only way I will recover from this last loss is by dying and having Christ make me whole through the power of His Atonement. Losing our son, Archer, is a wound that won’t heal until I get to hold him again, sing to him, read to him and have him hold my fingers. Because of him, my reasons have changed. I want to live with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, which is a given, but currently I can say that Archer is at the forefront of my reasoning. He was our first baby after a long heart-breaking road of trying to adopt and get pregnant. We fought to get him here and then fought to have him here on earth with us. Now our fight is redirected to being with Archer in the eternities. I think death does that to a person, changes your focus and how you think. It helps you to realize who is important to you. I know that it is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that living with Archer is even a possibility, for that I don’t even have the words to express how grateful I am. It is through His Atonement and Resurrection that Archer will be resurrected and made whole. Archer endured to the end well, he fought a good fight. Now Peter and I are fighting to not just endure to the end but endure with faith and hope.
One thing that brings me hope, I really don’t know how much peace I am currently feeling, it is such a rollercoaster ride with very steep valleys and hills, but the thought of raising him in the eternities brings me hope. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we know we will get to raise our little ones during the Millennium. Joseph F. Smith, the 6th prophet of the church lost 9 of his children, all at various ages. I find his thoughts comforting and motivating. “The Lord truly knows best, and we know that the innocents who have been called from earth, so soon after their coming untainted by the sordid elements of this fallen world return to Him from whom they came, pure and holy, redeemed from the foundation, by the sacrifice of one who said “of such is the kingdom of heaven.” My most earnest, heartfelt prayer is, O! God help me to live and be worthy to join my innocent children in their home with thee!” This is my plea too, that I can use the Atonement of Jesus Christ to be cleansed so that I can enter His rest and there cuddle my little Archie-bug again. I have a long way to go before I sleep. I have a long battle ahead of fighting doubts, guilt, and heartache, but it will be worth it in the end, just extremely difficult to do. Enduring in faith and hope is becoming our family mantra, something Peter and I are working on together. In this fallen world we need each other for strength. It is one of the reasons we thought about sharing our thoughts, maybe we could help each other endure in faith and hope. It sounds simple, but it really isn’t, at least right now it isn’t. Enduring in faith and hope right now is raw. So, until I sleep, I will keep fighting for you, Bug.
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep."
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