Never have I been more grateful and more dejected when I arrived home on December 12, 2022. How can a person be both relieved and resentful at the same time? It is a fracturing of my mental, emotional and spiritual self. This was not the first time I have felt this way. While we were with Archer at Standford, there were many times that this fracturing occurred and the closer we came to December 12, 2022 the stronger those feelings became.
One thing that we wanted for Archer was that he could live a quality life. We knew that he would have many challenges and many of them difficult and painful. As the time approached his passing, his struggles were magnified and it is a wonder how he was able to hang in there. When the days became harder, we prayed that he would be healed or that he would be at peace. When December 8th arrived, it was like any other day, we thought things were going well, until his infection reemerged letting us know that his body and medical science was not at a place where he could endure. It was at that time, we had to make a decision, it was time we had to let our baby be at peace and not have to suffer anymore.
December 9th came quicker than I wanted it to, but it came nonetheless. I was so grateful that Archer was at peace and was not suffering anymore, that he was in a better place; but, I was so devastated that he was not here anymore. It was a bitter relief. As we came home, we were surrounded by our families, friends and church members. The outpouring of support was unbelievable. I was in that fractured state, I was so grateful for all the support and the help we received, with the funeral arrangements, and that it was a smooth process, however, I was still devastated as I watched Archer’s body be laid to rest.
As we are approaching Archer’s birthday, more and more I am reminded of what Archer had to endure; how he is not going to be here with our family to celebrate. I am saddened as I know I won’t watch his tiny hands smash into cake and become ceremoniously covered in colorful icing and crumbs. I get reminded every time I see a little child, when they make faces and do those cute things children do, that I won’t be able to experience that with Archer in this life.
While I was getting angry at all these resurgence of emotions, and envying people who get to have those opportunities that we are not having at this time, I was quietly reminded that being grateful even in the hardest times, helps me endure the pain.
I am so grateful for all the love and support of our families and how much they have done for us while we have been struggling. I am grateful for their patience and kindness. I am grateful for the selfless love that was shone to us while we were away by the ward members taking care of our yard and house. I am grateful for the school and job opportunities that have come my way. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that I will be able to see and be with Archer again. Even though he won’t be with us physically on his birthday, he will be with us in spirit and in our hearts.
It is that pure love that removes the resentfulness, the pain of the hardships, the bitterness that comes with the unwelcomed relief. I know, there will be times when I will fracture and go to that painful place of remorse and sadness, but I know that I can always be made whole again through that pure love and be grateful for everything that I have and will have.
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