We’ve been training to ride the Salt to Saint Relay. It is a bicycle ride, your team can be 2-8 people, it runs from Salt Lake City to Saint George. Overall, it has been good for us. It has given us something to work towards, helped us slowly get back into shape and has been a planned Archie Adventure. There have been moments when it has been our downfall, wearing us out and taxing us emotionally. This last Saturday’s ride was just that.
We had ridden maybe 6 miles when I started to think about why we were training, to take Archer on an Adventure. The more I pedaled the further away Archer felt. It was crushing and took every ounce of energy out of me. We finished the 12 miles, only half of what we initially intended, and went home to ride our spin bike for another 30 minutes. We then went to the library and grabbed some more books, came home and napped, played video games and watched TV, not talking about how we were both struggling. Then that night, I couldn’t sleep.
Feelings of guilt continue to haunt me, especially because I should have held him more during his last week here on earth. When he was first hit with bacterial pneumonia over Labor Day weekend, Peter had gone home for an interview with Social Security, and he was hoping to get some money to help with Archer’s special needs. We were unsure how much it would cost to get him set up with all of his medical equipment, still hoping we’d get him home. That weekend I stayed at the hospital until 4:30 or 5 in the morning holding Archer, it was the only way he was remotely comfortable. He was so hot that both of us became drenched in sweat. I remember being so loopy walking to Ronald McDonald House, but relieved that Archer had finally fallen asleep. This was in September, in December the pneumonia had spread, leaving him septic, extremely sick, fevered, and uncomfortable. I was so worried, allowing my fear of losing him to overcome any kind of instinct, and put him back in bed on the 7th, earlier than I normally would have. I beat myself up all the time that I didn’t hold him more that week, he loved being held, and he needed the comfort. We lived for the moments when we could hold him, and I feel I failed him those last few days.
So, on the bike ride, training for our Archie Adventure, trying to feel close to him however we can, we both were hit hard. Peter regretting every decision we made, me wanting the chance to hold him again. It made for a miserable weekend, both of us spiraling down our own rabbit holes. I don’t understand the timing of it, there isn’t any significance to the day, just that Archer felt so far away. The more I pedaled, the further away he felt… The lyrics of this song by Carole King were playing in my head:
“So far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know you're just time away Long ago, I reached for you and there you stood Holding you again could only do me good How I wish I could, but you're so far away
One more song about movin' along the highway Can't say much of anything that's new If I could only work this life out my way I'd rather spend it bein' close to you
But you're so far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know you're so far away Yeah, you're so far away”
The more that time goes on, the further away he feels. Maybe that is how this life works with loss, the more time that lapses, the further you feel away from your loved ones… I think it is a tool that Satan uses to discourage us, help us forget that there is life after death. That through Christ the grave has no victory. So, for now, I need to keep pedaling. I need to endure those days where I end up with 2 flat tires, endo over my handlebars or barely make it up a hill to see another bigger one in the distance. Enduring isn’t meant to be a piece of cake, it is meant to help us realize that faith can overcome fear, and we can do it when we rely on a power greater than our own, and hopefully that power will help us find peace and forgive ourselves of all of our many shortcomings. One day, hopefully soon, Archer won’t be so far away, and I can hold and squish him until both of our hearts are content.
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