Merriam Webster defines the feeling of guilt as: “feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.” There are definite times I have felt guilty in my life. I remember the first big time was cheating in 5th grade. We were supposed to correct our own worksheets and I was done with trying to figure out which answers spelled out Dwight D. Eisenhower, so I peeked at the answer sheet. Off I went to recess skipping on the way outside, feeling horrible, but ready to be outside. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, crippling at times. I feel like guilt and shame tend to go hand in hand. The Berkeley Well-Being Institute defines it, “shame is defined as a self-conscious emotion arising from the sense that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself. With shame, we often feel inadequate and full of self-doubt.” Guilt and shame can go hand in hand as we feel like we are inadequate, encompassed by self-doubt, we then feel like we deserve the blame, it is our fault. Guilt and shame are a tool that Satan has used against me.
One thing I have wanted for a long time is to be a mom. It has been an innate desire with so many amazing examples of motherhood. We tried multiple times through adoption, but it didn’t happen, and we went a different route. When our first attempt at IVF failed, we decided to use an egg donor. I kept pushing forward, feeling strongly we needed to exhaust our options and now was the time, I wasn’t getting any younger. We used an egg donor and had 7 viable embryos. It was the time for implantation and the shots, hormones, and having my thyroid meds messed with, left me barely able to function physically. I broke out in hives everywhere because of the progesterone shots. It was fine, it was what was needed. We went in to have the first embryo implanted and miraculously he attached. You have multiple follow ups to hear their heartbeat, until they release you around 12 weeks to go to a “regular” ob-gyn. It was at 20 weeks, with my blood pressure skyrocketing I was sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine, and we found out he had issues with his ureters, which would cause kidney and lung issues. It was then that the first feelings of guilt and shame pounded me. I had done this to our baby, it was my fault that his body was imperfect. The waves of guilt would come and go; as he’d move, I would find hope, then we would go to another doctor’s appointment to find out things hadn’t improved. Towards the end, when he had lost all amniotic fluid the guilt pounded me. All I wanted was to be a mom and I instead had caused our little guy pain. My selfish desire had hurt Archer. This continued as a theme throughout our hospital stay, wondering if I should have done more research to find out about amniotic infusions, watching him go through so many painful procedures and feeling like a failure because the main job of parenthood is to protect your child, and he was constantly in and out of pain and feeling awful.
Peter and I talked about how we were always making the best, worst decision. Every time we had to decide what medical care Archer needed always came with a negative consequence. We were always having to decide which of the decisions would hurt him the least. It was crippling. There were things that I will need to ask Archer for forgiveness for in the next life. One thing that did help us was talking to our bishop. Bishop Alderman reminded us that everything was in Heavenly Father’s hands. If it was Archer’s time to go there wouldn’t be anything we could do to stop it, and if it wasn’t his time then he would continue to be with us.
As time passes, the guilt lessens. As I realize Archer is no longer in pain, the guilt decreases.
However, the guilt is like waves, sometimes gentle and lulling, other times a tsunami of hurt. It is one way that I allow Satan to have power over me, allowing myself to despair. Feeling worthless for what happened is not the answer. Though I know talking to Archer and asking his forgiveness will help, it won’t provide the soothing balm, I need to turn towards the One who can heal my pain. We are told by Jesus in Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Guilt is a heavy burden to bear, it is exhausting. Elder Oaks said, “His Atonement reaches and is powerful enough not only to pay the price for sin but also to heal every mortal affliction.” I need my Savior to heal these emotional wounds. I continue to pray for this and for His assistance to allow me to forgive myself, for Him to forgive me and strengthen me. I pray for His assistance to not let Satan in, but instead to find peace through His atonement. I pray for Him to heal my broken heart and allow His love in.
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