I have been questioning my past, present and future. There are many things that I have done that I feel have not mattered one bit. For instance, I am finishing up a degree that was supposed to help with future endeavors. In the world that we live in, the degree is helpful but not necessary. Like many positions and jobs that I have had in the Air Force, I worked really hard to get my area of responsibility up to being the best, then when I moved on what I had done either gets completely changed, or forgotten. It becomes really frustrating. My last job in the Air Force I was supposed to stand up a new work center, but when I left it was immediately shut down. All the work that I had done seemed pointless. In my mind I think “What a waste of time. What was that all for?” Even when I think about it now, and the things that do not pan out the way that I want them to, I get myself into thinking that what I am trying to accomplish is meaningless, what does it matter anyways? And to answer the question, I don’t know.
I have to ask myself, is my life bad? Actually, my life is really good. I have had setbacks and disappointments, but life has been good. Then I remind myself of the advice the Lord gave Joseph Smith, “Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands” (D&C 121:7-9). “If thou art called to pass through tribulation . . . know thou . . . that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122: 5,7). What I find that is important in this passage is that the Lord is saying that if you endure it well, you will be triumphant, or in other words you will overcome your trials, and that you are not alone. Also, that the trials that you are going through are not meaningless, they are to help you.
The other thing that I have to remind myself of is Jeffrey R. Holland’s message,
With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you. Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence
I do not know if gaining a master’s degree will help me with a career, but it felt right when I decided to go for it. I need to stick with it, and even if I erred in deciding to spend my time pursuing a meaningless degree, in the end it will be for my benefit, it will help me in some way in the future. That is the hardest part of life, not knowing the “why.” Why do all these hard things have to happen, why did I spend all this time going through this hardship when I don’t feel better about it. Maybe this degree will sit in a dark closet with my other degrees collecting dust, or maybe sometime in the future I may take them out and have need of them. For me, it might seem like I am spending all my time doing the “busy work” of life, but the Lord knows how it matters.
Also, I need to remember that I am not alone. That comforts me the most. That I am not doing all this alone. That I have help getting through the trials. There have been people who can empathize with me, and when I pass through the trial I can empathize with others. I have family members and loved ones that surround me and support me. Most of all, God is with me always.
It is easy to doubt and fall into despair. There are sadnesses which happen that make us wonder “why?” Yet, when we remember we are not alone, that it does matter what we do and what we experience, and most important God is with us, that we can begin to overcome our personal pits of despair. One thing to remember, falling into pits of despair is part of life; feeling bad, sad, mournful, and all other feelings are natural. We need to give our self time to grieve. And when we have processed our grief, it is good to remember that we were never alone, and we can be their for others. And isn’t that what life is about, lifting others out of their pits.
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