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How I Am Working towards Being Steadfast

Writer's picture: PeterHeidi OlsonPeterHeidi Olson

Being steadfast is something that I am going to need to work on daily. To claim that I have always been steadfast wouldn’t be true. I have had my moments of doubt. I have had my times when I wasn’t actively participating in church. During those times I never felt like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints wasn’t true. I just wasn’t sure that it fit in with how my life was going.


Peter and I met later in life, we were both 40. In Utah time that is close to dead. It is very normal for outside of Utah, but we were considered the ancient of days. During the years preceding marriage I had periods where watching everyone being married, having kids, and living the “All Mormon Dream” made it difficult to feel like I belonged and had a place. When you’re in a church that has a large emphasis on families, it doesn’t make things easy when what you are lacking is what so much is focused on. I never wanted to “just get married” and feel extremely blessed to have Peter in my life. He is a wonderful man and worth the wait.




Having kids has always been something I have wanted. I honestly enjoy kids, get a kick out of them, and wanted 8-10 as a younger version of myself. When you have had 30 in your classroom, 8-10 seems like a very small amount. When our 2 attempts at adoption led to them deciding to parent after we had the babies for 5 days, we were ready to go a different route. We tried IVF, but my age didn’t help. We decided to use an egg donor and amazingly enough had 7 embryos. We chose the one at the top of the list, and he implanted the first try. This was a miracle, one that shocked many doctors, especially with some of the other health issues I have had. We saw many miracles that happened with us and Archer, each blessing us with a little bit more time with him.





Then after 8 months in the hospital we hit the reality that he wasn’t going to be able to stay with us here on earth. Now we are back to it being the 2 of us watching the cute little kids run around during sacrament meeting, giving their parents a run for their money, and being reminded constantly of who is missing physically with us in this life. We are working on being steadfast in the situation we are in, but it is a challenge.


“I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the ‘why’ and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that ‘all things must come to pass in their time’ (D&C 64:32),” (But If Not, Elder Lance B. Wickman). I don’t feel like I am focused on the “why,” knowing that answer will never come in this life and honestly won’t change anything. Knowing “why” won’t bring Archie back or heal him. So instead, it is figuring out how to carry the weight of this loss, understanding there is no way to carry this burden alone. The question that I am trying to answer is: How am I going to be steadfast now, because the present is what will help determine the future and my ability to have Archer in my life.


One thing that helped us recently was to change the location of where we were sitting. I love the back row, but it was just tearing at us as we watched kiddos about Archer’s age doing what they do. Sitting in the front row eliminated a lot of that. It made things easier in a very small way, but it didn’t make me steadfast.


I feel like I need to be realistic about where I am to know what I need to work on in becoming steadfast. I am tired, sleep isn’t something that comes easily, nights can be the worst. My desire to be social is very limited to people who know me well. I am not in a good place to make tons of new friends. I am dumbfounded by the things people say that they think help you and apologize profusely to anyone I have said something similar to. Being a tired grump doesn’t really help you feel Christ-like or steadfast.


We went to the temple for the first time, I felt the spirit there. It was the first time since Archer’s funeral I felt it strongly, it was nice and hard at the same time. I was that person sobbing on and off throughout sealings. I am grateful we went and will continue to go, but none of this helps me feel steadfast, immovable or unwavering. I waver! It is a fight to get to church, 9 am church doesn’t help when you finally get to sleep between 3 and 4 am. I know I need the sacrament, because I have plenty to repent of each week, and for that reason wake myself up at 7:30 am to get there by 9.


I am still working through the guilt I have from Archer’s last days, I should have held him longer, protected him better, slowly that is easing. I still feel horrible about it all. You roll all this up into a big ball of heartache and I am hoping not to swear at someone during one of the lessons or after they try to “comfort” us. Jay Golden Kimball, the swearing apostle, would have nothing on me.

So, I guess my goals for being steadfast are actively taking the sacrament weekly while focusing on Christ and what He has done for me, going to the temple weekly, reading/studying scriptures daily, lots of prayer and only swearing in my head during meetings. I will let you know how steadfast I feel, how I am doing on my goals and if I need to add/change them. Then I can let you know if this quote is applicable: “The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us” (But if Not, Dennis E. Simmons)


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