I was in my first area of my mission for 6 months. It was a small border town in New Mexico. I loved the people there, but the area was a difficult one. I remember writing in my journal: Artesia is like a sad country song, if you want something to break bring it here; your marriage, truck, relationship etc. will fall apart in this place. It felt like hope went to die there. Satan had a good hold of that town with some of the activities that were rampant there. To balance out that roughness Heavenly Father had so many good people there trying to combat everything. Combatting the depression, evil and finiteness of what they faced there. They fought to grow hope there and make it a place where hope could come to live and grow.
Having hope grow is now a personal struggle in my heart, like what I saw in Artesia. The sadness comes in steep waves that knock me flat. I have a good day and then I feel bad because of it. I long to hold Archer, see his cute face and have him hold my fingers. Satan uses my grief and longing to get a hold of me and it is a very effective tool he uses. “It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out” (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters). Keeping hope out of my mind and heart is a very effective tool in the wee small hours of the morning when I am wrestling with sleep, or a lack there of. At those times I need to work on redirecting my focus from the past, where I get bogged down with events that have already transpired, to the future where there is hope found through Christ’s Atonement. This is what will change my present circumstance and focus.
Richard C. Edgley said, “I review this rather dismal background not to further add to discouragement and disillusionment but as a warning as we face the forces in today’s world. And yet we have every reason for optimism. We are the people of hope. We are the disseminators of hope. This is our mission. Based upon our faith, we have hope in things seen and hope in things unseen but felt. We have hope for the now in our lives. We have hope for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future. And we have hope for the eternities that lie ahead. Our hope is based upon truth, knowledge, faith, and revelation given to us by the Holy Ghost. And our victory over the obstacles of life comes from our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and our sure knowledge of His plan. This gives us hope, as eloquently explained by the prophets of old, as well as by our current prophets.”
Elder Holland recently said, “We must realize that hope is not just the message and manner of the naturally optimistic; it is the privilege of everyone who believes.” Everyone who believes, not just a small few. Hope and faith are similar, founded in Jesus Christ and His Resurrection and Atonement. “What is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise” (Moroni 7:41). For the seed of hope to grow it needs to be planted in fertile soil, Jesus Christ’s works. His living water will nourish it and help it to grow. Hope is not just merely wishing. I wish Archer were still alive is a much different sentiment than hoping that the Second Coming happens very soon so that I can see Archer again. My hope is then based in something that will happen and is more powerful because it is combined in faith. Funny how I am feeling better just writing this, last night was rough. Valentine’s Day is always fun, it is Dad’s birthday. We had a good time playing games with them and eating lunch. I was happy when I left and then on the drive home that happiness triggered a great longing for Archie, and that is where the most recent spiral began. It turned into a night of nearly no sleep, replaying moments from his short life. I am working to figure out how to redirect those thoughts but am obviously not there yet. I continue to mourn and will for a very long time. My hope is going to have to be combined with some patience for Heavenly Father’s timeline to unfold, knowing I can’t have now what I truly desire. I need to rely on Christ’s Atonement for hope and strength.
Richard C. Edgley also said, “Perhaps such people do not understand the meaning of the word infinite as it applies to the Atonement. They have not internalized the Atonement. They have not internalized that it was not only for sin but also for personal suffering, for pain, for disappointment, for failures, and for the tragedy that we will all experience at some time. They may understand the doctrine. They may even believe the doctrine, but they can’t see it as it applies to them. They may feel unworthy, or they may feel they are too distant from the Savior, and they suffer great pain.” Growing hope will take constant reminders that my sorrow can be swallowed up in Christ’s, that with His stripes I am healed, or will be healed. With His stripes Archer will be with me again. With His stripes I have an eternal family. With His stripes I will work on calming my thoughts so I can sleep. With His stripes I will create a fertile soil in my heart where hope can live.
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