Peter and I recently had our 5th Anniversary. That morning we received an email about needing to pay for the renewal of our frozen embryos. Peter and I have discussed releasing them, which to us means allowing someone else to use them. In my head it feels like the logical choice. My body didn’t respond well to being pregnant, my blood pressure was off the charts. I would always chuckle when they called it a chronic problem because I knew it wasn’t. A week after having Archer I had issues being lightheaded because the blood pressure meds they had me on were dropping my blood pressure too low. With my age and autoimmune disease, it was rough on Archer and rough on me. I worry that with another pregnancy my body would cause the same issues to another baby. I would feel horrible if it did. If it didn’t happen, I would still feel awful, knowing what Archer went through. It just feels like a lose-lose situation. Plus, the goal isn’t to try and cause Peter to become a widower, so he has to raise a baby as a single father.
All of these reasons in my head make complete sense, they are ways to try and help myself feel better about the decision we are making. However, my heart is breaking knowing that having another baby won’t happen in this life. It feels like giving up. There is a very large, jaded part of my thinking that keeps saying, “Heidi, if you haven’t gotten Heavenly Father’s hints by now, will you ever???” It feels like the “easy” way out, though none of this has been easy.
I think we all have unfulfilled dreams in this life or will at some point in time. Maybe it is having both of your parents at your wedding, maybe it is getting married in this life, having a healthy relationship with your spouse or parents… You can fill in the blank for yourself about your unfulfilled dreams. This life definitely has its ugly parts, and not getting everything we want, or desire, can be part of it.
How do we deal with feeling short changed? Currently I am working through that. My head and heart are not in agreement. I believe in the law of compensation, but can tell you that there is very little written about it. I imagine that is because our short-sighted vision still wouldn’t understand how it works, it is a wait and see principle. I am holding on to a few things that matter. Heavenly Father loves me. His timing is sure, even if it isn’t what I want it to be. There can be joy in a life that has unfulfilled dreams, you have to allow it in and fight for it. Giving up isn’t the same as having it happen later, though in this case it is much later, like the next life. It is ok to be sad about this, it is a big thing. Life will go on, even if I don’t want it to, time marches forward. And finally, I will be ok.
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