I recently listened to Henry B. Eyring’s talk: “Where is the Pavilion?” In it he mentions his daughter-in-law praying for a divine errand, something for her to focus on because the desire of her heart wasn’t what the Lord was blessing her with. This thought resonates with me. I need something to focus on so that I can still move forward. Gayle M. Clegg told the story of her pioneer relative that lost his wife and baby while crossing the plains. In his journal after they had passed, he wrote, “Still moving…” It is what I am trying to do now, still move. I feel so listless though. I don’t have anything I am working toward. I am not trying to find someone, finish a degree, grow our family...nothing. Nothing propels me forward; my feet are slowly plodding forward one heavy step at a time. I am trying to hold tightly to the iron rod, not lightly dust it with my finger to make sure it is still there, but I am weary, just so weary. I find myself watching really dumb shows and becoming entrenched in books to escape the heartache I feel and how pointless my existence currently feels. Everyone else has moved on. It is like watching the world around you in fast forward while you go nowhere. I think of Sarah, knowing that she and Abraham were called by God to have a posterity that numbered the sands of the sea, but she couldn’t even provide one grain of sand to get it started. She waited twice as long as we had to wait for our Bug. We each have our own cause for despair, our own Gethsemane we struggle with.
Gethsemane
“All those who journey, soon or late,
Must pass within the garden’s gate;
Must kneel alone in darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say:
‘Not mine but thine’; who only pray:
‘Let this cup pass,’ and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane.”
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox
With this refining fire, this cup that I cannot pass, I need to find purpose with my life again. I find myself reflecting upon my heroes. The everyday people in my life that have left extraordinary examples. Each of these people had their own Gethsemane. Each of these people I love dearly and admire. I will share just 2 for now, my examples of enduring well in hope and faith, that make it possible for me to hopefully emulate them and pass through my Gethsemane.
I think of my friend Meg. She battled with cancer almost a decade. We were so excited when her cancer seemed to be in remission and devastated when it came back. Some things I admire about Meg were her fortitude, ability to comfort those around her and focus on what mattered most to her. I remember being at Meg’s house, helping her make dinner, when another friend came by to visit and see how Meg was doing. By the end of the visit Meg had comforted this friend, encouraged her, and sent her on her way with a smile. It was a gift Meg had. She suffered greatly, was in so much pain, but she kept moving.
My Aunt Gaylene was similar. Aunt Gaylene suffered great loss with losing a set of twins. Because of the heavy blood loss, she had at their birth, she contracted hepatitis through a contaminated blood transfusion. She lost her husband to cancer and raised their 7 kids. Just that list right there is dumbfounding to think of the strength and resilience Aunt Gaylene had. Aunt Gaylene was fun to be around, always looking for a reason to have her family around her. She kept moving through monstrous amounts of sadness and loss.
I have been blessed with an amazing husband. I have a beautiful boy that I want to raise in the next life. I need to keep moving and realize my purpose as a mother hasn’t ended, it has just been postponed.
So, for now, I am still moving, even if it is slow progress… Not giving up, but is that my only purpose? Maybe for now.
“With the Lord, nothing is impossible (see Luke 1:37), but we each have to finish our own story. He sends His Spirit, we call out encouragement to each other, but we have to keep writing, keep walking, keep serving and accepting new challenges to the end of our own story. ‘Still walking’ is the fundamental requirement in the journey of life. He wants us to finish well. He wants us to come back to Him” (Gayle M. Clegg).
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