Many times in our life we will experience grief. It can be caused by many different types of loss or failures. It is important to know that this is normal. Because you are feeling pain, guilt, sorrow, or even anger does not mean you are weak, or unstable. On the contrary, having these feelings is our human response; not recognizing that you are feeling these things may seem easy at first, but it will only hurt you more as time continues. If you become stuck in the grieving process because you did not address your feelings, then you might become chronically depressed, take unreasonable risks, or have anger issues, stress, anxiety, insomnia, etc. the list can go on and on. So, if not dealing with grief is worse, then how does one begin dealing with it?
The first thing to realize is that everyone grieves differently, we each have to individually process the grief, but we do not have to do it alone. How I grieve and how Heidi grieves are different, we have our own way of grieving—many times we are at different stages of the process—but we are doing it together and we support each other through it. It has been surprising since we started this blog, how many people have come to us letting us know that they have been through similar circumstances where they have lost a loved one. From my experiences, people tend to open up more and trust those who have been through similar circumstances. There is that unspoken understanding of what each has gone through, it is almost like a telepathic connection. I think this is the most important part of the grieving process, is that you do not have to do it alone; there is support for you if you are willing to share and look.
The second most important part of the grieving process is to realize that emotions, and there are many types of emotions you will experience, are part of being human. It is natural to feel sad, it is natural to get angry, and it is natural to become depressed. You might feel guilty or are ashamed of the situation of what brought on the loss or failure, but that does not mean those feelings should be ignored. Before you can finally reach the acceptance part of the grieving process you first must accept that you are grieving. That you are going to have those natural feelings and it is okay to cry, it is okay shout at the heavens, it is okay to lay in bed for a day. If you try and hide your feelings or try to avoid them, then you can get stuck in the grieving process; this is where you can become chronically depressed, or have uncontrollable anger, you can become constantly stressed and have severe anxiety, and the list can go on and on. That is why it is so important to accept that you are grieving and realize that you do not have to be alone to process your grief.
As Heidi and I were driving home from Stanford, we initially wanted to have a small graveside service with a minimal number of people in attendance. The passing of Archer was still fresh and all the eight months that we had experienced were still bottled up inside of us. While we were talking and reflecting on the last night and day we spent with Archer, we knew that there were many people who loved him as well, and he wasn’t just our loss, his passing had affected more people than we can ever realize. We knew that we needed to share our son’s life and passing with all those who helped us along the way, who had prayed for Archer, and who had spent time being with him and us. I knew it was going to be difficult and I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to talking at his funeral, but I knew I needed to do it, that I needed to thank all those who were a part of this journey in any way. I needed to stand there and let people know that Archer was a wonderful boy who affected many people just by being him.
After the funeral was over, Heidi knew that we needed to continue sharing our experience with others, so people can know that they are not alone when they are grieving for the loss of a loved one, and hopefully our motto of “Enduring in Faith and Hope” would capture that this grieving process might be for a long time, and we need help along the way. It is an idea for dealing with the hard times in the present moment. We do not know how long we will grieve for Archer, but we know we want him with us wherever we go. And, if you come over to our house you will see many pictures of Archer. People have asked us if this is too difficult, the answer is no, it actually helps keeping him present in our lives.
I initially wanted to box everything of Archer’s up and shove the box in a corner; I didn’t want any pictures of him around the house. The hurt of his passing was too much; however, I still wanted him a part of my life. So, I had a choice, I could pack everything up and not ever talk about him, or I could open up and talk about Archer and have pictures of him displayed around the house. It may seem difficult to open up too quickly, or to talk about the difficulties of having to grieve, but in reality, it has helped in more ways than just hiding from the pain. In fact, it has been easier to cope with the pain by sharing it with someone. I know from experience that if I do not talk to others who have experienced something similar, I would become resentful and miserable. All I would do is ruminate about how unfair life is and become bitter. So, the real question is, do you want to become better, or do you want to become bitter? To become better you need to embrace the grieving process.
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