Have you ever felt like you were reaching, ever reaching for something that is elusive. If you could just get this one thing, achieve this one achievement, become something specific, then you would be happy. Reaching, forever reaching for something that is just at your fingertips, but never in your grasp. Focusing so intently on that one goal, happiness isn’t something you allow, but instead you create it to be a product related to the objective in mind.
I have wondered if that is what Sarah felt. Abraham had been promised to have a posterity that numbered the sands of the sea. Genesis 22:17 Abraham is told, “That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore…” Yet, Sarah had difficulty producing even one grain of sand to get things rolling. She watched as her handmaiden conceived, demonstrating it wasn’t Abraham dealing with the fertility issue. I’ve wondered if Sarah had to deal with jealousy, insecurity that she wasn’t righteous enough and that is why she wasn’t conceiving. Did Sarah feel resentful towards Hagar when she produced an heir, or did she shrivel up inside not even wanting to hope that at some time she would be blessed with the baby of her dreams. Did she allow herself happiness before she became a mom.
I know there are many of us that relate to circumstances like this. I was “stricken with age” when I had Archer, but almost half the age of Sarah. It was hard on my body, but I wasn’t living in the desert without air conditioning in a tent. I know I have had to deal with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Teaching didn’t help this after our second adoption fell through, it was a constant reminder of what I felt I would never have. Then we had Archer and the rollercoaster the three of us were on, was far from blissful.
The question now is can I allow myself to be happy? Can I be happy with the blessings the Lord has allotted me? Alma desires to be an angel, to bring souls unto Christ. Alma 29:1: “O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!” Honestly, how many of us if we had a wish to use would ask to be able to speak with the trump of God? It is a righteous desire, just like wanting to be parents is, wanting to be married, wanting to be healed or desiring to have someone you love converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Just a few verses later Alma calls himself to repentance Alma 29:3, 6: “But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me…Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?”
What was Alma called to do? He was called to be a missionary and cry repentance, but he wanted it to be bigger and louder than the Lord works. The Lord works quietly on each of our hearts. We are allowed to choose, not be coerced, or scared to death by a giant trumpet sounding forth the word. Instead, the Lord uses the quiet workings of the spirit on our hearts. So, if I am not called to be a mom in this life, for longer than 8 months, then can I allow those quiet workings to help me find peace and happiness? These righteous desires will be realized, but not in my time frame or possibly in this life. For me, looking for peace has helped me find happiness. Knowing that these blessings may not be realized here, but in the next life has helped to bring me peace. It doesn’t get rid of all of the longings, but I can direct those longings to help me do good and fulfill the work I have been called to perform in this life. Instead of making our happiness an elusive destination, we need to work on it being part of our journey.
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