Time can do a funny thing to emotions when pushed by stressful events. It isn’t until all those events have passed by and there is that moment when everything has paused for reality to finally set in. A few years ago, we were deciding how we were going to grow our family. Due to medical reasons, we chose to go through fostering first, but as we were finishing the required training, we felt that it wasn’t going to be a right fit for us at that time. Soon afterwards, Heidi received a call letting her know that there was an opportunity where we could adopt. It was a shock to us, but everything felt right and that we should do it. We prayed about it and still felt good. We called the adoption agency and our representing attorney to see if the biological mother and father would agree for us to adopt their child. We sent a quick bio of ourselves and a picture. The Adoptee couple were fine with us being their child’s parent.
We rushed through the final stages of getting all the correct approvals so we could do the adoption. The agency that we were going through is in Arkansas and we would need to travel when it was time for the birth to happen. This gave us time to get a car seat, a pack’n play, environmentally friendly diapers, and so on. We were fortunate to have our many family members and friends support us through all of this. The one thing that really spoke to me were these wall stickers that said “Dream big little one” with a crescent moon and stars. They were placed above the crib that we were given. The room that we put together was magical.
From the time we were approved to the time the delivery happened was barely three months, and we were headed out to Arkansas. While we were driving, Heidi was sending Marco Polo video updates to all our friends and family members. We were finally going to have a baby, which we named, Gideon Gabriel Olson. We went straight to the hospital and since it was the beginning of COVID, Heidi was the only one allowed to be with Gideon and the birth mother. I had to hang out at the hotel, while Heidi cared for Gideon. I would get her food but was never permitted into the hospital. There was one time I was snuck into Heidi’s hospital room so I could see Gideon and hold him. It was a precious moment where those words came to my mind, “dream big little one.”
After a long three days, we were finally able to take Gideon to the hotel with us. We had to wait five days before the adoption could be finalized. From the moment we got him, we were constantly holding him. Heidi and I took shifts making sure he would be cared for when he needed us. It was on the fifth day, the last day the parents could revoke us from adopting Gideon and they did. We were stunned. I had many thoughts and emotions going through my mind, but mostly it was shock and numbness. We lovingly took Gideon to the adoption agency and handed him over to the case workers. We then left Arkansas and came home to an empty house.
We were sad, but we were hopeful we were on the right track. It was a long summer, and when it was nearing the end, we received a call that we had been selected to adopt a Marshallese baby. This time we didn’t have to frantically get ready since all the requirements were completed. Our pessimism subsided and we flew to Arkansas to meet the birth mother. We had a good feeling about this one, but the negative aftertaste of the previous adoption still hadn’t left us completely. This time the baby came a month early and we had to race to the hospital in Arkansas, we drove for 19 hours straight. We decided to name the baby, Phoenix Kai Olson. The COVID restrictions had loosened and both of us were allowed to come and be with Phoenix. However, Phoenix was in the NICU because he was early, but he was healthy. We made sure at least one of us was with Phoenix at all times. We would take turns sleeping at the hotel and one of us staying the night with our baby. The five days dragged. There were some rumors that there might be complications with the adoption. We did not want to believe it. On the fifth day, our lawyer, a security officer, the NICU manager, and a hospital administrator all came into Phoenix’s room. Heid and I just stared in disbelief. How could this be happening again. The birth mother had rescinded to go through with the adoption, and we had to promptly leave the hospital with very unemotional people standing around us as we said our emotional goodbyes to our baby boy, Phoenix. Once again, we came back to an empty home, with “dream big little one,” plastered above an empty crib.
We had a sad Christmas holiday, but we were not finished. We decided to try for IVF and see if we could have our own baby this time. As we focused on that, our angry feelings of two failed adoptions seemed to be muted by all that was happening. COVID restrictions were easing but we needed to make sure we stayed isolated. Our families were thinking we were weird when we were avoiding them. Eventually we told them that Heidi was pregnant, and we were expecting in May. However, Archer came a month early. Something we were sort of used to, but this time I had to chase Heidi to Stanford to see Archer, and we could both be with him at all times. But, there was a catch, we could only hold him if he was stable enough to be held. Only one of us could hold him for about an hour or two each day, but only once. Holding him while he was intubated was very nerve racking, since we could not move much. After he got his tracheostomy, we were able to move a little more but still had to be extremely careful. Most of the time, one of us would sit in a high chair and watch him, the other would sit in a reasonably comfortable chair and get some rest. We loved it when he would hold our finger, and we caressed his head, but mainly we watched as he slept and comforted him when he was not doing well. That was our life with Archer for eight months.
In the end, we came home to an empty house exhausted in every way. We would get the positive upside to this, that Archer was ours and we would be with him at the Resurrection. Most of the holidays passed in a fog. My birthday was uneventful. The words, “dream big little one,” didn’t resonate with me anymore.
The Chosen’s season three finale was coming, and we decided to go see the last two episodes in the theatre. Before we went, we wanted to watch it from the beginning. Besides all of this, the hurried events and stressful situations had seemed to cease. I began to let my guard down, for a lack of a better word. We went to see Wakanda Forever and forgot that Chadwick Boseman had passed away and that movie was pretty much a tribute to him, which wrenched us emotionally. Then it was two days prior to the season finale of the Chosen and then it began to hit me, the past three years became ever present. Everywhere I looked, everything I heard had to relate to Archer not being here anymore. The chaos for the last three years was over. I am sitting in an empty house, and in an empty room are the words, “dream big little one,” that will never come true for Archer. His crib is filled with what was his. We gave away his car seat, I packed up all of his papers and things from the hospital to be looked at later when we are ready. Eventually, we will change his room to something else. We are planning to go see his grave on his birthday. We have all his best photos hanging in our house.
Time is a funny thing, when all the commotion has passed away, then we can begin to realize what we have lost. If we did all that we could, we wish we could have done more; if we didn’t do enough, we wished we would have done more. As much as I want the hurt, and the miserable times to go away, I wish I had more time with my baby that never made it home. That is why I need to look forward and Endure with Faith and Hope. The saying “dream big little one,” is for me now. It is for me to dream big to be with my little one.
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