When I look back on my life, I see many instances of unmet expectations. Like many of the children I grew up with, I had fantasies of being an astronaut, fire fighter, police officer, a professional soccer player, and many other aspirations. As I became older, reality began to set in and many of my dreams dissipated like the morning fog. I didn’t have the proper training, the mental acumen, the physical genetics, nor the desire for many of these things to come true. Eventually I would be taught to set attainable goals, set tasks and then re-evaluate when I do not meet my milestones. If I did not have the capacity to accomplish the desired goal, I would be told, I should think of doing something else.
On the other hand, I have the problem of expecting too much from others. I expect church members to be perfect people, I expect Olympic Athletes representing the U.S. to get gold every time, I expect teachers and professors to be great educators, I expect our politicians to represent every ideal that I have, and so forth. Furthermore, there are the academic expectations of getting a great job once I graduate college; or, since I have many transferable skills from the military, I should be able to do any job and any employer would be glad to hire me. Lastly, there are the gospel expectations where if I do everything right, I will have a great life; bad people are punished and good people are rewarded; if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I can move mountains.
The major problem with expectations is they are viewed as facts—expectations are the results of the cause-and-effect scenario; it is the firm belief that everything is as it appears to be or will be. Is this a true assessment of expectations? I want to say yes, but that is unrealistic, the fact is that having expectations is no more concrete than hoping or wishing. And that is the real struggle, the certain belief that something will occur because XYZ happened, and then it doesn’t happen; or someone that we think is absolutely wonderful actually disappoints us. And that has always been my struggle with the world around me, I expect miracles and perfect people in an imperfect world where sadness and pain still dwell.
When Heidi and I found out that Archer had a chance of survival at Stanford, I knew that he would be alright. When he crashed within the first few weeks and still lived, I knew for a certainty we would be bringing him home. I expected this to happen, just as President Russel M. Nelson proclaimed, “the Lord will bless you with miracles if you believe in Him, ‘doubting nothing;’” it was his suggestion to “seek and expect miracles” (April, 2022 Conference, The Power of Spiritual Momentum). And so I did. I expected Archer to have a full recovery. Then, after eight months of living, he passed away.
Many people, who are like me, will evaluate their expectations like goals: was what I doing wrong; was I not worthy for that miracle; is my faith smaller than a mustard seed? Or, do I have an unrealistic expectation of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, like the many people who tend to be disappointed in Them? If anything, this type of thinking is destructive and not helpful. If I have learned anything from my past, this type of thinking will only cause more pain and anguish and become increasingly destructive. So, what should I do then? How should I accept the situation?
This is the hardest part of accepting, having continued faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Right now, I do not know why things are happening the way they are, but I will continue to trust in Them. I will keep doing my best, hoping in Them that things will turn out okay. The thing that made it easier for Heidi and myself was saying things we were grateful for while we were at our lowest. It made us realize that even though we were struggling, we were not alone.
For example, I was having a hard time trying to explain, how one can accept unmet expectations. A few days prior, our bishop texted a couple of scripture verses that he was inspired to send to us:
Job 23:2-6 “Even to day is my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning. Oh that I knew where I might find him! That I might come even to his seat! I would Order my cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments. I would know the words which he would answer me, and understand what he would say to me. Will he plead against me with his great power? No; but he would put strength in me.”
Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”
Alma 34:41 “But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions.”
These verses instantly reminded me that even though we were struggling with losing our son, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ gave and continue to give us the strength to continue moving forward. We have the hope that one day we can rest from our disappointments, but today is not that day. I must continue having faith, that They are with me, and can hold me up when I am down. Just by taking the small moments to see what Heavenly Father has done for me is amazing. My life has not turned out as I planned, but I am good, and I know that I can become even better if I continue to rely on Them. This is the key to accepting unmet expectations, by accepting Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s help and trusting in them, and putting your hope in their plan, or their will. As Job proclaimed that God would give me strength, and as the Lord told Joshua, that he is with me, and as Alma stated, one day I would rest from my afflictions if I am patient.
What all this means is that we keep moving forward when our expectations are not met. If we feel so strongly about a goal, then we should keep at it even when we fail time and time again. You might have dreams and a true passion for playing football, but your genetics and skill might not be at the professional level. All this means is that you might not play professional football but you can still gear your career towards football by coaching, refereeing, analyzing, commentating, etc. Your pursuits will only just be modified from the original dream. What will happen if you decide to give up, is the certainty of not succeeding. A person has an easier time of succeeding by continually failing, where as a person will certainly not succeed if they never try. You can’t win if you don’t play.
This is why it is so important to have your support system, the people that believe in you. For me, it is Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and my wife. They keeping me going when I am at my lowest point. When I feel that I cannot do any more, they give me that extra boost to keep fighting. I know it is not the end of the world when someone disappoints me, I know they are human and still need time to grow. I am not perfect either. I know that it takes time to learn and grow new skills. There will be many unsuccessful attempts until I get it right. But I will eventually get to where I need to be going by enduring in faith and hope.
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