The minutes turn into hours, that turn into days, that turn into weeks, that turn into months, that eventually will turn into years. It has only been 4.5 months since we last saw you, Bug, but it already feels like an eternity. April has not been my favorite month. We celebrated your first Heavenly Birthday, which was your first birthday. I had a birthday a few days later. All I could think of was that last year on my birthday we both got to hold you for the first time, a huge miracle in itself, but it was all that I wanted for my birthday again; the opportunity to hold you. I’ve always loved spring, the waking up of the earth with flowers and green. I went outside to work on the yard and came in sobbing, overwhelmed by where the grass was and all the work that we needed to do, not able to break things into smaller pieces. The weight of this life has broken me for the time being. April will be that for me now, sadness and longing. I imagine December will be similar.
It has made me think of Meg, when she was first diagnosed with cancer, I made her a mix CD. I think you’ve met and hung out with Meg a bit. One of the songs on it is Cher singing, “You Haven’t Seen the Last Me.” Here are some of the lyrics that are resonating with my soul:
Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet…
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me…
It is true, I am feeling very broken, but this is far from over. Being brought down to my knees is where I will find the strength to help me get back on my feet and work my way back to you. I don’t think things will ever look or feel the same, but that is ok. Being broken like this allows you to see the brokenness in each of us, the resilience it has taken someone just to show up, and you, Bug, showed up. You were and are such an amazing little guy. You had such patience for us in this life and will need to continue to have that as we fight through this life to return to live with you. We will need to rely on Christ’s Atonement to move forward a step at a time, knowing that the Savior’s suffering enables us to find an inner strength we wouldn’t have otherwise.
Little Bug, I wonder what you do in heaven, who you are hanging out with. I am honestly jealous of them; they’ll know you better than we do soon. I don’t like that one bit. I am happy you aren’t suffering anymore, you fought bravely with us. I could tell you were done on that day in December, your eyes showed it, begging for relief. I am grateful you have found peace. Now that is our fight, to find peace. I have studied the Millennium, knowing we will get to have you and hold you then. Your Uncle Ryan wants to take you fishing. Uncle Kyle will teach you about DECA. You’ll have others who want to teach you to play soccer and other sports, many people who will read to you. I am watching for the signs of Christ’s 2nd Coming, when you get a chance give Him a hug from us and tell Him “Thank You” for making it possible for us to be an eternal family, and for making it so you can have a perfect body. I keep hoping the 2nd Coming will happen tomorrow, and am praying for it, but I have a bad feeling it will be a while longer. It would be too easy for it to be tomorrow.
I am looking forward to reading you more stories, singing you more songs and watching you grow and develop. I know at some point in time I will have to put you down so that you can learn to roll over, crawl and walk. Be patient with me when that time comes, it will take me a while to even let someone else hold you. Your Dad will have to tell me to share, so that he can hold you too. I wonder what your voice will sound like, how wonderful it will be to hear you call me, Mommy. How fun it will be for you to play with Uncle Erich and your cousins, Drew and Devon. I am hoping to have some siblings for you too, we’ll have to see how that works out. My brain can’t seem to fathom immortals having mortals, and those kinds of things will have to wait for Heavenly Father to explain if and how it works.
Just know, My Little Bug, I love you. You are mine and I am yours. I look forward to being with you and hope the years fly by. Until then, come with us on our “Archie Adventures,” knowing we want you with us as much as heaven will allow. Know that just because we cry, and are weak, doesn’t mean we aren’t fighting. We are working on enduring in hope and faith so that we can be with you again. We love you, Archie-Bug.
Comments