Our Journey in a Nutshell
Before I begin, I want you to know that while we are talking about our experiences, our aim is not to put our pain above anybody else’s. Also, it doesn’t diminish our loss because we haven’t experienced the worst of life. Everybody has different trials that they go through, and the grieving process is different for each of us.
When we found out that Archer had a chance to be born and that dialysis was an option for him to keep him alive, we had complete hope and faith he would be healed. I thought it was just a test for us, and after a couple of years of dialytic therapy and a kidney transplant then everything would be great. What we didn’t know before he was born was how bad his lungs were. After his birth he had to be intubated for him to breathe. His kidneys surprisingly were able to process fluid from his body. So, the dialysis was held off. A couple of days later he was not able to expel most of the CO2 from his body, therefore he was going into respiratory distress. They tried a few things but ultimately his body crashed, and we had to make a decision whether to let him pass or for them to continue to try to keep him alive. What we found out later after everything was reviewed, was that Archer had Tracheobroncomalacia, which means his trachea and lungs are floppy and they collapse. Also, he didn’t have the strength to keep them open. Furthermore, his kidneys were not filtering out the toxins and regulating his electrolytes. This would be the theme for trying to keep Archer alive for the next 8 months. He had a few more crashes and we had to decide to either keep him alive each time these events happened. It wasn’t until the end, after he had endured bacterial pneumonia for three months, he became septic and the bacteria was slowly killing his body. We prayerfully made the decision that it was time to allow nature to take its course. We spent the last night with him, and then the next day, we were allowed to sit with him outside, while we were surrounded by amazing people. We held him in our arms and watched him slowly take his last breath.
How can anybody understand what it is like to make the decision for a beautiful young baby that modern technology is just not enough to keep him or her alive? Even now I do not fully comprehend how, or why we made that decision. Doubts enters our minds that we don’t want to talk about, but deep down we always wonder did we make the right choice. These thoughts haunt us as we think about what we allowed Archer to go through, when we initially said yes to keep trying. Each time we saw him in pain, or he couldn’t breathe regularly and was suffocating, we wondered if it was too much. Even now since we made our choice, we question if it was the right choice, or could we have kept going? Honestly, I will never know but it will always haunt me.
What is more demoralizing is the conflicting emotions. When we could go home, we were relieved, but also very sad at the same time. Because we were going home, we were leaving without our baby. Even though being at the hospital day after day, drained us physically, emotionally and spiritually, doesn’t mean we wouldn’t stay there if Archer could eventually be happy and have a quality life. I don’t know if we will ever be fully free from this emotion when we think about Archer.
What is also very heartbreaking for us, is the constant reminders—that we will never see in this lifetime—Archer’s first step, say his first word, snuggle up in our arms anymore, be delighted by the simplest things, have his first day at school, his first crush, getting married, and so on and so on. We cannot avoid the 8th of April, his birthday nor the 9th of December, the day he passed away, the 21st of December, his funeral, and any holiday or family event or any other thing that we would do that he should be there with us.
So why am I reliving all this? If you do not understand or comprehend anything that we have been through, that is okay. It is perfectly fine that you don’t understand. We are happy that you have not had to experience this. However, trying to find meaning or comprehending it for us, doesn’t help. Also, telling us that you don’t comprehend or understand it doesn’t help either. We know that if you haven’t gone through this that you do not understand it. Please just say we are thinking about you, or praying for you, is there anything we can do for you . . . sparingly, and if we are in a normal way of meeting. Truly we appreciate the help that we have received, but that doesn’t change the difficult nature of what we are going through, and it doesn’t erase the pain. I am grateful for all the willingness of everyone that has helped us, and the people who want to continue to help us. At this point we are not sure what help we do need.
We know that most people who have lost a child or a loved one understand the pain of that loss, but they also know they don’t understand what we have gone through to get to that loss; they know that it hurts, and the pain will not go away until the next life, and maybe not until the resurrection. They understand two things, the pain is real, and they cannot understand every circumstance a person goes through for that loss. When they come up to us, they usually say, “we have lost a child too, it is hard. We are here for you if you need to talk,” and they usually give Heidi a big hug. That is it. That is very helpful. (Peter’s not a hugger.)
Lastly, we love to hear about your lives, and the things you are going through good or bad. We also love to talk about Archer, but not all the time or with everyone. We want to bring him up, when we are ready to talk about him. I know it is hard to resist asking about how it was in the hospital for 8 months, answer is it sucked. However, we were surrounded by amazing people and there were many good days, but a lot of hard and difficult days and we came home to bury Archer. So, always keep that in mind, the end result was not happy, it was a very difficult ending to a very difficult trial. We have had to change how we hope.
That is why we are doing this blog. It is to give others, who have experienced this type of loss, a connection to people who have experienced similar things. It is a place for people to understand that there is hope, even after the loss of a loved one. We can hope for seeing our loved ones again, and that through the Resurrection and Atonement of Jesus Christ we can be with our families forever again.
We are truly appreciative of you reading our blog and articles. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.